How To Say "No" To Coworkers

And still be liked.

A recruiter reached out to me last week via email. It was a different kind of recruiting email that made me read the whole thing through. I’m not looking for another opportunity right now, and typically I just delete these emails, but he said something very interesting that caught my eye.

He said “She (the client) wants a Lioness at the gate who can take care of people even when saying "No", and those people love her.”

After reading this, it made me realize that there’s a lot that I do as an EA that I can’t put on a resume or articulate in a way that makes non-EAs understand - like saying “no” but still being liked and why that’s important, or knowing how to anticipate my exec’s needs and why that matters, or knowing how to make good executive decisions on my exec’s behalf and how impactful that could be.

Being able to say “no” requires skill. You can’t say “no” to someone’s request in a tactful way that yields a positive outcome if you don’t have the right relationships built, if you don’t have a track record of making good decisions, if you aren’t trustworthy and reliable, if you aren’t respected, if you don’t have empathy, and if you don’t have a good reputation. All of that takes time and experience.

As an Executive Assistant, we have to say “no” all the time. How do you do it in such a way where the recipient of that “no” is not offended, doesn’t think you’re being rude or condescending, accepts the “no”, and still likes you (and respects you, appreciates you, speaks highly of you, etc.)?

I think it comes down to the way you say it (like your tone of voice), the words you choose to speak, your choice of words in texts, having empathy, and humanizing yourself. Every situation and person you’re dealing with is going to be unique, so there’s no one right answer to this. But being mindful of the situation at hand, understanding why you have to say “no” to this person, and knowing who you’re talking to and how to talk to them can help you make the right decisions.

Also, there are a million different ways to say “no”. Sometimes, the word “no” might not even be included in your response. Sometimes, you have to offer alternative solutions, politely decline and provide a reason, or suggest they meet with someone else sooner.

Being tactful and helpful in your reply is important not only because it makes you likable and approachable but because you represent your executive and it’s important to represent our executives in a positive light.

This recruiter’s email lit a lightbulb in my head by reminding me that there are a lot of intangible things we do and qualities we have as EAs. We don’t just schedule and calendar and plan events. We don’t just “work our magic” and snap a finger and make shit happen.

There’s a lot of coordination, strategy, skill, and experience that goes into what we do. And though I personally have a difficult time explaining to people what I do as an Executive Assistant in a way that perfectly paints all the nuances of our role, there are a handful of people out there who get it, and that is sufficient for me.