I Lose My Voice at a Nail Salon

Learning to speak up as an Executive Assistant

Up until the last several years, I never spoke up at a nail salon.

If the shape of my nails were off or I wanted my nails shorter, I would think, “should I tell them, should I not”, and by the time I mustered the courage to say something, it was too late to even bring it up because the time had passed. I would end up telling myself “it’s fine, I’ll fix it when I get home”.

Last week, I took my 9-year-old daughter for a mommy-daughter nail date. And despite my own inability to speak up at a nail salon, every time we walk into one, I emphasize how important it is that she learn to speak up for herself if her nails are not to her liking.

I sat in the massage chair, while my daughter sat across the way at the manicure table. I watched her chat with the manicurist, even making her laugh (thank goodness she didn’t inherit my social anxiety gene). When she was done, she came to me and showed me her nails and told me that she spoke up and asked the manicurist to change the color and adjust the placement of the stickers because they weren’t to her liking.

As a mom, I was so proud, and then it made me reflect on my own struggles.

Voicing my opinion growing up was considered “talking back”. I would get scolded for it at home. I also remember speaking up in class and feeling stupid or embarrassed because people with stronger opinions would disagree or I wouldn’t know how to back my opinions if questioned.

Eventually, any thoughts and opinions I had were locked in a box and stored away. It allowed me to just put my head down and stay quiet. I learned not to bother others, not to be rude, and not to be an inconvenience. And the only way I felt I could truly show my value was by studying hard, getting straight A’s and a higher than 4.0 GPA, executing really well, and keeping to myself.

It makes sense why I was a very good Administrative Assistant and Office Manager early on. Those roles require hustle, hard work, and execution… and not necessarily my opinions.

Early on in my career, I was an excellent do-er - an executive or team member would ask me to get something done, and I would do it (of course within reason). I still execute very well today and do many of the things execs and teammates ask of me, but now I speak up, I set boundaries, I let someone know if I don’t think the task is a good use of my time, and I say no if I don’t have time (or don’t want to do it). :)

But back then, I didn’t speak up if I was burning out. I didn’t tell my manager that 5 executives was too many. I never told anyone I needed help. I never gave my opinion about work related requests and tasks. I felt it was my job to put my head down and work harder than anyone else, pushing my own feelings and thoughts and opinions aside.

It wasn’t until I supported this one executive who had a habit of asking me for my thoughts, which made me very uncomfortable at the start. I distinctly remember one conversation (during a time when back to back meetings were unfortunately the norm and he was probably burning out) where he said “You know my calendar better than anyone in this company, what should I change about it? It’s not sustainable.”

I realized, at some point, I had worked hard enough and proven my worth enough to become someone he valued and someone he recognized as being really good at their job. I really was the only person in the company who knew his calendar best. So he was genuinely asking me for my thoughts - whether it was about meeting cadences, whom to meet with, what conferences, events or dinners he should attend, etc.

Learning to voice my opinions and share my thoughts taught me how to handle rejection and push back, how to be tactful, and how to be concise. It taught me that sometimes I was right and sometimes I was wrong, but it wasn’t always about being right and wrong. Sometimes, people just wanted to hear other people’s thoughts to make better decisions.

It also taught me to play devil’s advocate, see things from different sides, and empathize. And it also taught me to start asking other people for their thoughts.

But I also had to work really hard to get to that point. No one will ask you for your opinion if you don’t add value in some way.

I am forever grateful to him, for pushing me out of my comfort zone, for showing me that I actually had something to offer other than hard work, and for teaching me that if you become really great at what you do, your opinions will be valued and considered (even if not always right). This was the beginning of me becoming a much more efficient EA for him and everyone thereafter.

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Thank you DW :)