On Building Relationships

What it means, how to do it, and why it's my number one piece of advice to EAs

“You can kill a tree in seconds but it takes years for the tree to grow.”

(I read this somewhere, but I don’t remember where now -_-)

Whenever I get approached by an Executive Assistant asking me for advice on any sort of question, my answer to them always involves “building relationships”.

“How can I get my executive to trust me?”
“I am drowning, what should I be doing to take things off my plate?”
“I feel more like a task do-er than a partner. How do I shift that dynamic?”
“How do I push back without seeming disrespectful?”
“I have two execs with conflicting priorities. How do I prioritize their asks?”
“How do I get a seat at the table in leadership meetings?”
“How can I develop my own ‘brand’ as an EA?”
“How do I set healthy boundaries?”

The answer to all of these questions and more is “build relationships”.

And this is not everyone’s favorite answer because building relationships takes a lot of time - years even - and usually everyone wants a quick solution.

The best way to look at this is to personalize the situation. Think about your own life and the relationships you have: there are people you trust, people you don’t, people you’d drop everything to help, and people you wouldn’t even text back. Why is that? What about those individuals makes you feel this way about them?

For the people you trust and vouch for, the ones you’d go to bat for, what qualities do they have? How long did it take for that relationship to get there? What made you like them, rely on them, respect them?

Now apply that perspective to your EA/Executive relationship.

Your strongest relationships didn’t happen overnight.
They didn’t happen because you had a scheduled recurring 1:1 on the calendar.
They didn’t happen because every conversation was about work.
They didn’t happen because you forced it.

They happened in the little, unplanned moments - the quick hallway chat before a big meeting, the shared laugh over a travel mishap, the late-night Slack message where you showed empathy instead of just logistics, the team dinner you didn’t want to go to.

Relationship building is the slow accumulation of trust, earned by showing up authentically and consistently over time.

That’s why I don’t believe relationships are built in weekly 1:1s. 1:1s are for alignment. Relationships are for connection. They happen in the in-between spaces: saying hello to the people around you, remembering people’s names and things about them, grabbing lunch, asking thoughtful questions during a project, noticing when someone seems off and checking in, being open enough that your executive (or your teammate) feels safe enough to be open back.

Relationships are the invisible currency of your career.
They’re why someone will vouch for you ten years from now.
They’re why you might get a job you never applied for.
They’re why a former exec or teammate will jump in to help you solve a crisis.

In our world as EAs, being good at the job isn’t just about calendars, decks, or workflows. Those things matter, but they’re transactional. Relationships are transformational.

So how do you actually build relationships?

There’s no one playbook, and I don’t have the perfect answer for you because people connect in different ways, and the best relationships are built when you lean into your own natural style instead of forcing yourself to be someone you’re not.

Some people build rapport over a quick hallway chat or grabbing coffee. Some spark connection through funny slack memes or sending a perfectly timed GIF (it me!). Some thrive in longer in-person conversations, others in thoughtful follow-up notes after a meeting. Some shine during the shared stress of a big project launch, kinda like the “we survived this together” kind of bonding.

What matters isn’t how you connect; it’s that it’s real.

A few things I’ve learned along the way:

Be curious. Ask questions to understand and because you actually care, not just to fill the silence.
Show up consistently. Trust grows when people see you follow through over and over again.
Find shared moments. Humor, stories, even a shared late-night deck deadline - these things create glue.
Meet them where they are. If they’re introverted or prefer slack over coffee chats, go with it.
Chat can be powerful. I’ve built some of my closest work relationships with coworkers solely over gchat back in the day and slack. Throw in some customized emojis, send those gifs, react to people’s comments, be responsive, have fun!
Be human. People can spot performative. Be yourself. Be kind. Be empathetic. Be understanding. Be patient.
And most importantly, do your work well. You can build relationships without ever meeting someone. Your reputation is always in the room, even when you’re not. People notice how you respond, follow through, treat others, and own mistakes.

Relationships aren’t built with grand gestures. They’re built in hundreds of small, genuine interactions over time.

Play The Long Game - starting now

So, if you’re feeling stuck - like you’re “just” a task-doer, or that your exec doesn’t trust you yet or if you’re asking yourself any of the questions at the start of this post - start with building relationships. Play the long game. It’s less about what you say in a 1:1 and more about who you consistently show up as over time.

And don’t just build relationships with your executive. Build relationships with everyone around you.

Grow your tree. Water it. Nurture it. Feed it. You won’t notice the day to day changes, but one day your relationships will blossom.

And not to be dramatic or anything, but remember that it takes years to grow a tree but just a few seconds to kill it. So be mindful of your actions and how you treat others. Would be wasteful to screw it all up because you gossiped with others, associated yourself with the wrong people, treated others badly, didn’t own up to your mistakes or actions, etc. N’ah mean?